I normally hide from her, because she is traditionally very negative. But last instant messaging we had she sounded upbeat, so I thought, I’d give it a try. I know how to break off a conversation when it goes south.

As fate has it, she broke her hand a few months ago, it didn’t heal well, and she has had a lot of pain. Interestingly it has changed her. Permanently or temporarily, I don’t know. My hunch is that it is temporary…

Anyway, I shared with her my experience with the nose bleed. She didn’t quite grasp it at first. She has had nose bleeds but her first thought wasn’t: this is the beginning of the end, so for her the chance of a breakthrough with that would have been small.

On the other hand, given that she is an architect, her right hand is her bread and butter, so creating a new way to look at it was a definite breakthrough for her.

I was mulling over this today as I was washing my hands in the bathroom.

“You need to trust the whisper inside your head that says that what’s happening is a good thing.” I thought, but then I cringed. Some 58 years ago I thought just that and where did it lead me?!

I saw what happened as a movie, just like “M” the German movie about a child murderer. Mass murderer, to be exact. I could hear my own giggle, like it is in a movie theater, then my own screaming.

Then I heard the gasping of the strangers who looked down at me in a tight circle in the barn, then the train, chi-hoo-hoo-hoo, and then my mother’s cold words, “You are a whore.”

Very film noir, artsy movie style, black and white, sparse, sounds, light and dark. Choppy.

Against that backdrop, my mother’s reaction suddenly didn’t make sense.

Next scene: my mother asking me in the car: “Was I a horrible mother?” I glimpse at her. The background is the magnificent lights of Manhattan Island from New Jersey. Her face is small and pleading. I don’t have the heart to tell her to what degree I’d thought she was horrible.

I decided to create a new movie, right then, right there.

“No, mother. You must have been the perfect mother for me, because I turned out. I like myself.” I lied.

The Landmark Forum leader who’d helped me re-interpret my mother’s statement “You are a whore” a few years earlier was famous for his saying: Integrity is when both tongues go in the same direction. The tongue in the mouth and the tongue in the shoes.

I have set a new direction with my mouth, my job was to adjust my actions, the tongue in the shoes, to go in the same direction.

The car conversation happened in 1992. Today, in the bathroom, recalling the whole movie… I watched my face in the mirror as it contorted with unmentionable pain and horror.

I needed to change clothes, the ones I was wearing were soaked in tears.

” … pessimists are usually right, optimists are usually wrong, but most great changes were made by optimists.” — Thomas Friedman, New York Times, May 11, 2008

Ever felt like the mission of Kabbalah is too big? Like what we do may not make a difference. The environment is too far gone, people’s natures are too difficult to change, who are we kidding?

…Being an optimist is like telling the Creator “I believe in you. I don’t know how you are going to make it work, or when, but I know you can and will!”

I have several mastermind partners. One of them, Mike, is a book distributor. He has lofty ideals, but his “job” is not that lofty. His 72-name is “Global Transformation.”

Wow, what a job… you may say. And it probably is. How is he going to do it? After work? When he retires? You ask… and here is the “kicker.” He is going to do it 24/7. Global transformation begins with your own. And from your point of view, it ends there. That is the only place you have any real power. That is the only place that is up to you to change.

Well, you say, then what is special about Mike? He is doing what I am supposed to do, right? Yes, and no. And I tell you what is the difference: Mike will do it against the backdrop of “Global Transformation.” And will curtail his tendencies to try to change the world while he is unchanged. Familiar? No? It should be. It describes all of us. The difference is that it is Mike’s tikkun… while you, probably, are still working on some puny or less puny correction, like selfishness, impatience, etc.

My 72-name is “Forget Thyself.” For about 5 years it didn’t make sense to me. I am not an ego-maniac! In the 6th year I noticed an interesting phenomenon: whenever I would talk about an accomplishment, or a result, it wold go away. Instantly. Example: I would talk about (brag?) that my business just grew x dollars, and the next moment I would say all those dollars disappear, and become negative dollars.

I queried my friends if it ever happens to them, and it does, sometimes. Other people can get away with sharing about their good fortune, but not me. What’s that about.

Just very recently I had a suspicion: am I sharing those good things as MY accomplishments? I mean, do I acknowledge the Light for them? Am I grateful?

I noticed that in fact that suspicion was right on. I acknowledge me, i.e. ego spoke to aggrandize ego… and that is why I always lost what seemed to be already mine.

Next step is to figure out how to be humble… not an easy thing for me… Good. The harder it is the more light it will bring. Once I figure it out. Light, can you help? Please?