There is a new source for Kabbalah learning, Kabbalah University.

I had been hesitant: it must be just another scam to get my money. But finally I gave in, and bought it. It’s $42 a month.

There are daily lectures and the experience is phenomenal. I have experienced an immersion like never before.

I have learned stuff I didn’t even know I should ask, even though it was about something I experienced.

For example I have been, from time to time, experiencing extreme anxiety, pressure, restlessness, almost a physical pain. It has nothing to do with what ‘s going on in my life, it has nothing to do with my health, obviously it is something non-physical. I decided that it was a good thing, but had no good explanation, why it would be a good thing.

I found out that the Light always wants to give you more than you want to receive. That creates a lack of vessel to receive the light. The pressure is an indication of that.

So what do I normally do when this happens? I play computer games, talk incessantly on the phone, all “satan” stuff, not in the right direction. OK? So what should I do to grow a vessel big enough to receive all the light that is coming to me?

I don’t quite have an answer, but one thing is sure: deflecting the light isn’t going to grow my vessel…

I spent 1-3 hours with a very negative person for seven months in the very near past. I hated about 60-70 percent of every conversation. My attitude was that there is an opportunity lurking there, and I’d find it. That attitude was encouraged by my teachers.

At the end of the seven months I noticed that my financial situation had started to go south when I started that relationship. I was now at a point when I was not going to be able to pay my rent…

In that moment of clarity I saw that in those seven months I had handed over the control over my thoughts and life to this person, and it was time to take it back.

I also noticed that it had been a pattern in my life. I could see that there was my desire to “lift up” other people, even if they weren’t particularly interested. I call that caretaking in another post of mine… (Studies show that when a higher vibration person tries to lift up the vibration of another person, instead of the desired outcome, the lowest common denominator wins. Other studies show that in sado-masochistic relationship the real control is in the hand of the masochist, not the sadist, like it seems on the surface.)

You notice that you are not energized by the relationship. You notice that your health, your energy level, your self-love, your connection with your purpose is getting weaker and harder to maintain.

In hindsight the same thing happened with my male cat. He wanted food, he wanted shelter (when he wanted it), but he didn’t want me. He didn’t choose me.

When I look at my relationships (male/female) I see the pattern: it begins with me relentlessly pursuing a stable and steady connection where I am the contributor/giver, thus I have the upper hand. They begrudgingly protecting their right to maintain independence. I increase the pressure. At some point we are best friends. I continue the domination with giving and giving and giving. At some point I catch myself, and break off the relationship.

That’s been the movie of my life. Quite disgusting, if you ask me. And makes for a lonely, unfulfilled life.

Luckily to me, this time I had my eyes open and my fingers pointing at myself. This time I have taken 100% responsibility for my part in this mess.

This fact, having taken responsibility for my role as a director/writer of this movie, I have given myself a chance to write and direct movies that are more fulfilling and satisfying than this repeated nightmarish ego-driven script.

Since the awakening and breakoff, my financial situation is looking up, I am more in touch with my soul’s desire and things unpredictable and delicious are starting to show up in my space.

Regrets, I’ve had a few … .How many of us are stuck in ruts because we cling to past slights, traumas, missed opportunities, and betrayals? The best way to let go and move forward is to acknowledge and accept those negative things you did (or had done to you) as steps on the path that brought you to where you need to be today.

Today, recall the pain of your past. Allow yourself to get to the point where you can accept that they were blessings; the perfect things that helped you build a new you. If you can release your grip on the anger, sadness, and regret, then it will be easier to spot the Light in the darkness. (quoted from daily kabbalah tuneup)

Interesting that this would come up just now.

I am working with a client/friend, let’s call her DD. She has been doing great. She has gotten in touch with the light in herself and her power to choose.

She is severely overweight and it’s effecting her overall health, but more than anything, her self image.

This past week she has gotten hungry twice while she was doing errands, and she didn’t give in to the temptation to get a quick supersized meal at the many fast food places on her way… instead she drove home and ate what she had planned to eat that day. Major victory.

The effect on her self esteem, self image was dramatic. She suddenly could see the light at the end of the tunnel, both in regards to regaining her health, and in regards to making a living, being a good parent, loving herself.

Her capacity to face what she didn’t like about herself increased to a point where accepting those as facts, and taking responsibility for them became a real possibility. … and you know that until you can accept something about yourself or about life, or about another, there is no chance to change it. It just won’t change, unless it has permission to be exactly how it is. (or how it isn’t…)

Until yesterday she was moving on the path. Yesterday her daughter yelled at her and told her that she’d rather live anywhere than with her, even foster parents would be better than her. That she learned to be bad from DD.

I asked DD how she took that, and she, in a very quiet little voice said that she could see her point and that she was a bad parent. But you could hear, this crushed her. It put her back to where she had no future. Where she was incorrigible, bad, worthless, and undeserving of love or care from anyone, especially not from herself.

Which takes me to my point. When you get better, when you put yourself on the path to become who you were meant to be (not that puny little thing that can only complain, and regret, and resent) Satan will “hire” your best friend, your spouse, your children, the radio (!) to take you off the path. And Satan’s method is to make you react.

Without my assistance, DD would have slipped back to where she was 10 days ago and hang out there maybe forever. In a complete sense of worthlessness. Not worthy enough to be taken care of, be fed good food in normal quantities.

From her tone of voice I actually deduce that she had already violated her new “order” and had indulged. I’ll ask her next time we talk.

When you react you can’t look. When you look you won’t react.

Reaction, physiologically, expresses itself in a tightening, in a closing down, in a blockage. The light can’t get in.

When you can force yourself to look, you open yourself up, and the Light can come in and support you to look and accept and forgive and change, if necessary.

Two steps forward, one step back… that is how everyone grows. Don’t worry, I’ll help DD back on the path in no time. As soon as she can accept that this little backslide is normal… Got it?