I spent 1-3 hours with a very negative person for seven months in the very near past. I hated about 60-70 percent of every conversation. My attitude was that there is an opportunity lurking there, and I’d find it. That attitude was encouraged by my teachers.

At the end of the seven months I noticed that my financial situation had started to go south when I started that relationship. I was now at a point when I was not going to be able to pay my rent…

In that moment of clarity I saw that in those seven months I had handed over the control over my thoughts and life to this person, and it was time to take it back.

I also noticed that it had been a pattern in my life. I could see that there was my desire to “lift up” other people, even if they weren’t particularly interested. I call that caretaking in another post of mine… (Studies show that when a higher vibration person tries to lift up the vibration of another person, instead of the desired outcome, the lowest common denominator wins. Other studies show that in sado-masochistic relationship the real control is in the hand of the masochist, not the sadist, like it seems on the surface.)

You notice that you are not energized by the relationship. You notice that your health, your energy level, your self-love, your connection with your purpose is getting weaker and harder to maintain.

In hindsight the same thing happened with my male cat. He wanted food, he wanted shelter (when he wanted it), but he didn’t want me. He didn’t choose me.

When I look at my relationships (male/female) I see the pattern: it begins with me relentlessly pursuing a stable and steady connection where I am the contributor/giver, thus I have the upper hand. They begrudgingly protecting their right to maintain independence. I increase the pressure. At some point we are best friends. I continue the domination with giving and giving and giving. At some point I catch myself, and break off the relationship.

That’s been the movie of my life. Quite disgusting, if you ask me. And makes for a lonely, unfulfilled life.

Luckily to me, this time I had my eyes open and my fingers pointing at myself. This time I have taken 100% responsibility for my part in this mess.

This fact, having taken responsibility for my role as a director/writer of this movie, I have given myself a chance to write and direct movies that are more fulfilling and satisfying than this repeated nightmarish ego-driven script.

Since the awakening and breakoff, my financial situation is looking up, I am more in touch with my soul’s desire and things unpredictable and delicious are starting to show up in my space.

The following is very unorthodox, so don’t read if you don’t like someone who doesn’t push the company cart…

A few years ago, around 2003 I read the book “The Science of Getting Rich”

I loved it. The part I loved most is that The Light is seeking fuller and fuller expression of itself, and you and your actions are part of that expression. Your curiosity, your exploration, your learning new things, you playing with new toys and tools are all adding to the richness of The Light’s self expression and fullness.

Why do I love it so much? Because it adds an important layer of incentive to strive for more. My capacity for self love is not very strong, and therefore my desire for things for myself is not very strong.

But if what I desire enriches The Light, I can expect to get all the support I need, because WE get the result, The Light and me.

I think I have mentioned in another blog post that I love to play the solitaire computer game, called Freecell.
I think that you can have a personal conversation with the light (maybe it is the Shechina… i.e. surrounding light) and get a lot of guidance that way.

Take, for example, playing Freecell. It is a total waste of time, unless. Unless you do it consciously allowing The Light to play through you.

Unless you derive your pleasure and satisfaction from providing The Light with an outlet, becoming a hand with an opposing thumb to The Light.

I have been experimenting with that for two days now. The Light hasn’t lost a game yet.

…and an additional juicy bit: nurturing my relationship with The Light this way has netted me money, friendship, health, peace of mind. I mean it. When you learn to become like a chess figure in The Light’s hand, you are taken to decisions and places you would not think of going yourself. And guess what? That is where what you wanted all along is… in those unexpected, unvisited places.

What a surprise.

If you can only read one book in your whole life, read this book. Especially if you are a woman. But it can be very fundamentally revolutionary for a man as well, except I am not a man, so I can only guess.

I bought this book, The Spiritual Laws of Engagement The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You together with the Nano: Technology of Mind over Matter.

Characteristically, to me, as soon as I got it, I did not want to read the “Engagement” book. I didn’t want to be engaged, i didn’t believe I can attract my soul mate, so why bother. So I lent it to Sandy, my neighbor, she is 38 or so, single, and desperate. Not me, no sir.

I “inhaled” the Nano book… wow, what an amazingly transformational book. Lots of questions that I was sure I will never get answered, got answered in that book. Now, I was ready for the Engagement book, whatever that may be… grrrr. But Sandy had it. So for a day or two I was trying to ambush her to ask her to return the book… she was obviously avoiding me. Right?

Long story omitted for YOUR sake… I got the book back.

Finally, I understood why I am still single at 60. I understood why I never even had a really long relationship. Why no one I liked ever thought of marrying me. Why I hardly have any friends. Shall I continue?

I don’t know if I should try to explain it here… or just let you read the book… what do you think?

OK, you want me to try to explain what I thought was soooo significant. OK. I’ll try my best.

* The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You