I have been observing myself as a spiritual practice. Trying to “remember myself” as Gurdjieff would say it, call upon the “witness” or “observer”. Be awake. Either way, I have noticed something remarkable about myself: see if you can relate.

When I am in front of my computer* (where I spend most of my day) and I encounter something that requires the slightest push on my end, I see myself automatically going to the computer game of my choice, freecell.

I began observing this phenomenon about 6 months ago (it was there, unobserved, for many years). But 4 days ago I decided to employ “restriction,” which is one of Kabbalah’s main tenets, and see what will happen.

For about 36 hours I closed the freecell program as soon as I opened it. Then every time I was “awake” which means I was by myself and I was still observing myself. On the other hand, every time I was on the phone, or watching a video on my computer, or listening to an audio file, my attention wasn’t on myself, and I played… until I “woke up.”

Still curious, more interested in the experiment than conquering the force that moves my hand, I saw something today that is worth sharing.

Since I have started this blog, I have been watching how I somehow leak the energy that is necessary for creative thinking and expression… by talking on the phone, by playing freecell.

Every occasion when I need the little push and I opt to play instead, two things happen: 1. I have diminished the internal discomfort 2. I have successfully diverted my attention from what is important to me.

The first one is good, right? Who would want to be uncomfortable, after all. The second one reveals who or what is underneath this behavior: who would win if I didn’t do what is important to me, if I lived a life of quiet desperation, if I just vegetated, comfortably, but without any accomplishment of my own? Well, Satan, of course. Satan’s other name is Opponent or Adversary. Some cultures call it Ego. I even did once a week-long program where we called it “IT.”

IT has only one thing in mind, and IT is awake 24/7. IT wants you to play small, be comfortable, be selfish, worry about yourself, what you get, what you feel, what you…. it’s all about you. Even when it pretends that it’s about others… after all it is still about “what’s in it for you” in giving.

I have heard that before, others are teaching it… but these aspect of reducing the tension in the moment and thus reducing the capacity for push and diverting your attention long enough that you forget what you wanted to do… except for a gnawing feeling in your gut, that you just missed something important.

* When I am not in front of my computer, I find myself opening the refrigerator in a similar circumstance.

I bought this book, The Spiritual Laws of Engagement The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You together with the Nano: Technology of Mind over Matter.

Characteristically, to me, as soon as I got it, I did not want to read the “Engagement” book. I didn’t want to be engaged, i didn’t believe I can attract my soul mate, so why bother. So I lent it to Sandy, my neighbor, she is 38 or so, single, and desperate. Not me, no sir.

I “inhaled” the Nano book… wow, what an amazingly transformational book. Lots of questions that I was sure I will never get answered, got answered in that book. Now, I was ready for the Engagement book, whatever that may be… grrrr. But Sandy had it. So for a day or two I was trying to ambush her to ask her to return the book… she was obviously avoiding me. Right?

Long story omitted for YOUR sake… I got the book back.

Finally, I understood why I am still single at 60. I understood why I never even had a really long relationship. Why no one I liked ever thought of marrying me. Why I hardly have any friends. Shall I continue?

I don’t know if I should try to explain it here… or just let you read the book… what do you think?

OK, you want me to try to explain what I thought was soooo significant. OK. I’ll try my best.

* The Spiritual Rules of Engagement: How Kabbalah Can Help Your Soul Mate Find You

When I say, hello world, I mean the 1%. Where you and I locate ourselves, what you and I consider the whole world. the visible, the tangible, the perceivable, the measurable, the world of scarcity.

Kabbalah says that this world, the world of matter, the world of thoughts and words, is only 1% of all reality. The rest, the 99% reality is the world of unlimited possibilities, the world of unending fulfillment, light, and pleasure. Much like the Christian bible describes heaven.

In the 1%, the world of scarcity, human beings live in scarcity thinking. Some people seem to be different: they treat the world as their oyster, and lo and behold, the world complies.

In this blog we are (you and I) will explore what it takes to receive more of what is coming to us, more light, more fulfillment, more pleasure, lasting and deeply satisfying… not like the pleasure of a candy bar or a glee of winning an argument.

I would like to cause a conversation, a dialog, where you, the reader is a participant.